Altruistic
by Type12
Summary: I am fully convinced that James Potter is not allowed inside my head, yet he seems to disregard that rule. As much as I try to outright detest him, I can't help but notice how much I don't. Merlin help me, I think I might actually... No. No. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want to be Lily. MULTI-CHAPTER, INCOMPLETE, JILY. The ramshackle mess that is Lily Evans. Type12


**I don't own Harry Potter and stuff. Yeeeah. Jily Rules.. xx**

* * *

I cannot believe that boy. I really can't. If someone would _please _explain the strange motives behind the actions of teenage boys, it would be _ver much appreciated. _I mean, who does he think he is, anyway? He isn't even good-looking! The way his _stupid _hand constantly runs through his _stupid _hair when he's nervous, and the way his _stupid _teeth bite his _stupid _lip when he's concentrating. It's all just positively aggravating! His hair looks like he's had an electric shock, and his eyes... Ugh! His eyes are this awful colour of hazel, forest green, and spice brown, mixed with flecks of glittering gold, and...

Oh Merlin, not again. Every time. Look, I can't help it, really. Every time we fight, sure, I'm aggravated, but I can't help but notice how unfathomably _sexy _James Potter's jaw line looks when he's angry. Not to mention his eyes. And the smirk, ah, the smirk, which makes my bloody, Godric damned insides dance the Congo.

Merlin, he's a good snog.

No Lily, Stop!

Oh, Merlin, Merlin, Merlin. I think I'm going insane!

* * *

_**3 hours earlier.**_

"_What is your problem, Evans?" James Potter cried in exasperation, his hands raking through his raven hair wildly, as though trying to find some comfort from it. Suddenly I felt like screaming. Screaming at this boy who was confusing and aggravating and attractive. This boy who made me stare at the back of his head during class, and want to rip my hair out in anger at the same time._

"_Don't tell me you don't know!" I practically screamed, taking a step backwards as he moved towards me in anger. I didn't know if I could concentrate if he was any closer._

"_But I don't Lily!" his abrupt change from surnames startled me for a minute. "I know I've been an arse in the past, but I've changed, I've changed Lily! Can't you see that?"_

"_Fine, you've changed! But you've done things which I can't forgive-."_

"_It this about Snivelly again?" he interrupted in an exasperated voice. "He deserved all he got!"_

_I stared at him, hardly able to believe what I was hearing. Did he honestly not understand why I was upset by him?_

"_This is exactly what I mean!" I shouted furiously, to which he ran his hand through his hair, and didn't answer. "You think you're funny, you think you're brilliant, but yet you still talk about Snape as though he's a pile of dirt, as though he never meant anything to me! You don't understand anything, Potter!"_

_He at least had the decency to look ashamed, whilst I glowered angrily at him, my fists clenched so hard, that my fingernails were digging into my palms. Potter looked calm, almost wistful now, his eyes dark and stormy, gold flecks flashing._

"_No you don't understand Lily," he said quietly. I began to speak again, but he cut me off with a shush._

"_No, you listen. Snape has done things which are awful too. Immersed in the dark arts, practicing hexes which shouldn't be allowed. And then last year, when he called you a... a mud- ... a you-know-what, you don't understand how angry that made me."_

_True enough, he did look angry. _

"_Stop making stuff up to make you sound better," I said desperately, not wanting to listen to a word he said, "I hate you, and I don't care about anything you have to say!"_

_He made a noise similar to a growl, and moved towards me like a predator, and I was the prey. He pinned me against the wall, holding me in place with his body. More spectators grouped around us to watch our fight, although it was plainly obvious that this fight was different to the rest. _

_Amazingly, the she-devil Lily Evans had not yet hexed one James Potter, who was currently, um, extremely close to the former mentioned._

_I gulped, seeing his eyes swirling above me, deep and dangerous. I was aware of the fact that his chest was pressed against mine, I could feel the rapid hammering of his heartbeat, and I knew mine was just as fast. Everyone else seemed to melt away, and it was just me and him, standing in the middle of oblivion._

"_Nevertheless, you're going to hear it just the same." _

_I didn't answer. I just scowled._

"_You need to understand, that I am utterly bewitched by you, I never just wanted to be mates." he said slowly, his breathing hard and ragged. My stomach squirmed unpleasantly._

"_Shove off, Potter!"_

"_No, you need to hear me out," he replied. _

"_Ugh, you drive me crazy, Potter!" I cried out, my patience wearing thin. _

_Potter attempted a half-hearted smirk, saying;_

"_I drive you crazy, huh, Evans?" And ruffled a hand through his hair. A couple of people snickered as a scarlet blush made its way across my face. His eyes were darkening with emotion, lust, urgency._

"_Don't be stupid, that's not what I- ."_

_But he cut me off. Quite well I must say._

_Yeah, he kissed me._

_His lips came crashing down on mine, all words silenced. I didn't protest, after all, kissing James Potter really was what everyone worked it up to be. It was hard and lustful, his hand tilting my head slightly to the side to get a better angle. He tasted like passion, and curiosity, intense longing set just behind his furious lips. There were no fireworks, no sparks, just the butterflies in my stomach, my hands in his hair, and the feelings of our lips and emotions compressed against each other. I forgot who I was kissing, forgot the hatred that burned for that boy, and kissed him back, our lips moving in rhythm, like dancing. _

_Someone in the crowd wolf whistled, and the shrill noise broke me back into reality. I violently pushed Potter and his lips away from me, my cheeks aflame, lips burning. Potter looked dazed, a dazzling grin alight on his face. His happy expression disappeared, as he took in my outraged expression, and took a step backwards hastily._

"_No, no Lily, I'm sorry! I didn't-"_

"_You. Fucking. Arse."_

_James' eyes widened, and he put his hands in front of him in surrender. I didn't even have time to notice how his eyebrows were furrowed, and how well the muscles of his shoulders were defined, before I pulled my wand from my jeans pocket, and held it pointed level to his unmentionables._

_'He gulped nervously._

"_Hey now, there's no need for-" he started nervously._

"_Don't you ever, EVER. COME NEAR ME AGAIN, YOU ARSE." I screamed, blushing from the fact that James Potter had just snogged me, and I had done absolutely NOTHING to stop it, in fact, I had responded with full enthusiasm, which was even more embarrassing. He must have done it to shame me, ruin my reputation. _

"_Lily, I'm sorry, I just thought-"_

"_WELL YOU THOUGHT WRONG!" I cried, all too aware of his hurt expression._

"_We were friends Lily, I thought you liked me!" He said, his voice breaking. _

_I was hurting, hurting so much, as I spat, "Go away."_

_He latched onto my arm like a Devil's Snare, halting me in my tracks. I turned, and..._

_And I hexed him. He stepped back, stunned, as boils began to grow on the tender flesh of his neck. I was so angry, so angry, that I couldn't stop. I shot hex after hex towards the boy, who did nothing in return besides try numbly to defend himself. Colours shot like bullets through the air, lighting up the faces of those who hurriedly tried to move away, they all know what happens when I'm angry with James Potter._

_I only realised that I was crying after Marlene had gently pulled me away, and I sank into her, sobbing. I didn't want to lose him, not really. James and I had made peace not a month earlier, and now, because of me, it was ruined._

"_Just get me out of here," I whispered pitifully to Marlene, who sighed in response, but guided me away nevertheless. I ignored Sirius Black's angry sneer, ("Great job, Evans,") and made my way towards the kitchens with Marlene. James had been the first to show me the kitchens, but I was determinedly refusing to think about him._

* * *

_As soon as there was no one in sight, I began to sob ridiculously, my palms pressed into my eyes to slow the tears. Marlene's arm tightened around my shoulder._

"_Hey, Lil, it's okay," she muttered sympathetically._

"_No it i-isn't," I stammered, "He hates me now!"_

_I was sure it was true. I had hit him with every awful hex I could think of, and I sure as hell knew that he wouldn't get over that anytime soon. It seemed to me, that any possible chance of us being proper mates had just been thrown out the window._

_Marlene was smiling sadly._

"_James could never be mad at you, Lily. At least not for long." _

* * *

So here I am. In the Gryffindor house common rooms at three in the morning.

Crying.

Being absolutely pitiful and ridiculous.

* * *

After all, it's not his fault.

* * *

It's mine.

* * *

**Yes. I'm sorry. I should not be starting another story with two on the go. This was originally meant to be a one shot, but, well... FATE had other plans.. Anyway, till next time!**

**x Type12**


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